well.......

Okay, well today was my follow up ultrasound! Jai looks GREAT! Michelle(the tech) measured his head, stomach, arms and legs & over all the average he measured was 17 weeks 3 days. ( a complete week bigger than he actually is) Yup, looks like I'm having another BIG baby boy! :P
He was so cute in there & growing soooo fast! His weight was 7 oz! I can't believe how quick time is flying by! My belly is starting to pop- every time Cherish see's me( we been seeing once another weekly) she tells me I've grown!! But still only gained 3 pounds.
Anyway back to my ultrasound...
The bleed.. has resolved itself! I'm obviously at risk for it returning, just as it did before. But lets pray it stays GONE! :) Also,... during my ultrasound the tech saw some bubble thing in my uterus. It was not there last week. It has no blood flow to it, and honestly, the tech nor my doctor had no clue what it was. Michelle referred to it as " funky " & my doctor said its "out of the thousands of ultrasounds he can tell me its rare, and for lack of scientific words, WEIRD"<< lovely! The silver lining of this issue is.. its not really a issue right now :) its on the opposite side my uterus than Jai is snuggled up on & the wall across from my placenta. So its not bothering anything. Hopefully... it too will be gone by my next ultrasound. I am not too concerned, since noone else seems to be concerned-- just praying this issue takes care of itself. I am still ordered to,' take it easy & no lifting etc' but im off of stict bed rest..THANK U GOD!

I love my doctor, and my doctors office, but im very sad to have to be considering transferring. My doctor doesn't deliver at a hospital with a NICU. & being I had a perfect pregnancy with ju & he still spent time in the NICU-- i simply don't want to take any chances with Jai. I don't want to be locked up at some hospital, miles and miles away from my baby boy! :/ i have found another doctor but have not made my move yet- i want to pray long and hard about this before i set anything in stone. i feel like i couldn't possibly fall into hands as good as I'm in now- but want to make sure I'm in the best place to deliver-- considering all possibilities.

I can not thank everyone enough for thinking of us and paying for us! So far things are looking up!! :) Little Jai is growing strong!! :) and is oh so precious in there!!! & big thanks again to my wonderful Sister in law for coming up again today to be at my appointment with me & spending the day! :) :)

ill upload Jai's ultrasound pictures tomorrow under the tab at the top labled ultrasound. Im too lazy to get up and do it now :P

And it starts....

Doctor appointment woes! The heart wrenching, guilt I begin to feel around this time each week before a appointment. Followed by the over powering anxiety, sleepless nights,and splitting headaches. Being in Nola has been bittersweet. Sweet because we had time to spend with family,Julian was able to get his pump, & have more company /help. But bitter because despite all efforts, it's nearly impossible to lay still with Julian running wild with his cousins and the constant commotion that comes with having a big family!!! :)
Friday I didn't do much, but feel like I did a whole lot because of the 4 hour training for Julian's pump, & paying taxes. I was plum exhausted. Saturday was a rainy day and I remained in bed/on the sofa the entire day! Not getting up except to use the restroom. Sunday I went to my moms to get a change of scenery... Laid on her sofa for most of the day as well- only getting up to use the bathroom or get some water. Maybe I feel like ive done to much because I'm so exhausted mentally and physically from stressing so much over Julian's blood sugars the last few days. Trying everything I could to make them lower & 'in range'. I feel guilty but all I want to do is lay here and not move a single muscle. I feel terrible to ask others to stop what they are doing to serve a grown woman food/water. But now, two days away from my appointment- I'm starting to feel most guilty for my sweet Jai. I fear that the little bit I have done- has been to much. That my stubborn ways, of not asking for help... Could have put him in harms way. I can not wait to get in my own house once again & in our normal routine. :( I'm ready for it to be Wednesday, when I can go in to see that Jai is doing just fine & growing strongly. I wish so badly I could feel him moving, because I know that would help my anxiety.
With Julian's sugars running out of control since pumping- I feel like a total failure to both my boys. Like I'm unable to take care of either like I want to! It's so frustrating to have these conditions that cause both your kids danger & threatens their health. Even more so when you can do all that's possible..to try to make them better but it doesn't always work out the way you want or hope. All I do is pray constantly & worry myself that Julian's blood sugars will become stable & not cause further harm to his body long term. & that Jai will grow strong & healthy despite the troubles of my womb....that his life depends on.THAT IT HEALS & NEVER TO SHOW IT'S FACE AGAIN!!!!!! I pray both my boys will be healthy & grow to be honorable,educated,respectable, humble christians & members of society.
For now- until Wednesday I will stomach the torture of each slow passing hour & continue to pour my heart out to god, praying for my both my sons health. I would appreciate all you joining me in the same prayer..
:]

short but sweet update

Shame on me for not posting sooner! Friday, we reached a major milestone in Julian's life, ONE TOUCH PING(insulin pump). Our training started early & lasted til about noon. We all became sponges and tried to absorb as much as we possibly could in the few hours we had with the nurse. Julian once again did not like putting on the inset, but quickly forgot all about it. Since starting the pump we already have made many adjustments to try to get blood sugars in a more 'target' zone. It's way more difficult than i thought, and has already made me narcotic enough to consider throwing it clean out the window! but im confident that in the days to come, and much more tweaking- we will figure this out & love the pump!

I am still not feeling Jai moving around.. im becoming impatient--haha. I started having some bleeding yesterday, but it seems to be more old blood. So i am thinking its old blood from the clotted off bleed- that my body is trying to dispose of. We will have another ultrasound 2 oclock Wednesday.
oh PS.
i've had many people ask about Jai's name.. and how to pronounce it..and who have said it incorrectly.
so for those wondering..

  Jai                Elias
Ja*eye         E*lie*us
^^
hopefully this clears it up! :)

Roller Coaster of Emotions

Literally a ROLLER COASTER...
everything is fine- then the bleeding in the middle the night/ 1.9 cm tear. ..- then 3 days later it was GONE...- 12 days later its back and 4 x's bigger...- then there is today's news..

I had my appointment at 2:00 today.. going into the appointment my nerves were slightly settled- thanks to my sister in law( she found Jai's Heartbeat on the home doppler right before the appointment)! so at least i knew he was still ticking!
But i was still very concerned for the bleed... We heart Jai's heartbeat again in the doctors office, then went in for the ultrasound. Michelle(the tech) showed it to us first, bc it was my main concern at that point. It is still there, but "clotting off". Sorta like what happens to our bodies when we get a bruise or scab*after a cut*.  She showed us how the bleed is trying to heal  & said this was great improvement from last week. Of course after such good news, and being able to SMILE knowing this bed rest is paying off-- Michelle showes us JAI! Josh was all smiles the ENTIRE time we were in the ultrasound. Jai kept his thumb in his mouth the entire time we were watching him. i believe he was asleep, because his movements were very suttle, & he was not nearly as active as he usually is. After leaving i felt more confident then i have in a WHILE. I am a little nervous, that history can repeat itself & go from good to bed again...but we are all working as a team to do everything in our power to avoid that. Im still on bed rest & looking forward to being able to breathe easier now that I know Jai is okay & the bleed is starting to heal up. TALK ABOUT ROLLER COASTER! Praise god everyone, and keep the prayers coming! yall are amazing!
Here are two pictures of him sucking his thumb.

we love our little man so very much!! :]

My godson!!!

So long I've longed to be " nanny"! Thank u Murphy & Ashley for giving me such a handsome, perfect godson! I love you tatum noah & I can't wait to see u!!!!!!