Doctor appointment woes! The heart wrenching, guilt I begin to feel around this time each week before a appointment. Followed by the over powering anxiety, sleepless nights,and splitting headaches. Being in Nola has been bittersweet. Sweet because we had time to spend with family,Julian was able to get his pump, & have more company /help. But bitter because despite all efforts, it's nearly impossible to lay still with Julian running wild with his cousins and the constant commotion that comes with having a big family!!! :)
Friday I didn't do much, but feel like I did a whole lot because of the 4 hour training for Julian's pump, & paying taxes. I was plum exhausted. Saturday was a rainy day and I remained in bed/on the sofa the entire day! Not getting up except to use the restroom. Sunday I went to my moms to get a change of scenery... Laid on her sofa for most of the day as well- only getting up to use the bathroom or get some water. Maybe I feel like ive done to much because I'm so exhausted mentally and physically from stressing so much over Julian's blood sugars the last few days. Trying everything I could to make them lower & 'in range'. I feel guilty but all I want to do is lay here and not move a single muscle. I feel terrible to ask others to stop what they are doing to serve a grown woman food/water. But now, two days away from my appointment- I'm starting to feel most guilty for my sweet Jai. I fear that the little bit I have done- has been to much. That my stubborn ways, of not asking for help... Could have put him in harms way. I can not wait to get in my own house once again & in our normal routine. :( I'm ready for it to be Wednesday, when I can go in to see that Jai is doing just fine & growing strongly. I wish so badly I could feel him moving, because I know that would help my anxiety.
With Julian's sugars running out of control since pumping- I feel like a total failure to both my boys. Like I'm unable to take care of either like I want to! It's so frustrating to have these conditions that cause both your kids danger & threatens their health. Even more so when you can do all that's possible..to try to make them better but it doesn't always work out the way you want or hope. All I do is pray constantly & worry myself that Julian's blood sugars will become stable & not cause further harm to his body long term. & that Jai will grow strong & healthy despite the troubles of my womb....that his life depends on.THAT IT HEALS & NEVER TO SHOW IT'S FACE AGAIN!!!!!! I pray both my boys will be healthy & grow to be honorable,educated,respectable, humble christians & members of society.
For now- until Wednesday I will stomach the torture of each slow passing hour & continue to pour my heart out to god, praying for my both my sons health. I would appreciate all you joining me in the same prayer..
:]
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