Locks of love ...

I did it! Hair chopped off! I'm so proud of myself for being brave! I didn't shed a single tear, had not a oz of fear & even though it had to be cut shorter than I thought- I was committed and followed through!

Josh had a half day of work, & Fridays are military discount day... So it worked out ! I really love my hair cut- I feel so free & so much lighter. The salon was willing to mail my hair in for me, but I told them no that I wanted to bring it home to show my son! I wanted to teach Julian a lesson! Wanted to show him that being selfless could mean changing a life!
When I got home he was acting so funny! Almost like he was embarrassed! He ran to his room and shut the door and got under the covers of his bed. He was fully of giggles and snickers... It was cute how embarrassed he was. I tried warming him up by saying " look juju ..look what jai would look like as a girl", as I draped my locks next to Jai's face. Not a second or so later ... Julian in excitement yanked my longest lock( back was 12 inches)! The pony tail just rained hair. All I Could do was cry. Thankfully I still had two full locks- and was able to salvage some of the 12 inch lock.
But my heart was so broken. I wanted to be so angry with Julian, & at myself. I wished I had just left my hair at the salon... I was so excited to give the gift to the corporation. To a child suffering during a time of illness and hardships. It hurt to collect the hair that laid on Julian's bed, and Simply toss in the trash.(the bit that i couldnt put back together in the pony) i didn't cut my hair to look good- have a new look- or anything like that. I did it knowing it was for a good cause. Putting parts of it in my kitchen trash can was NOT a good cause..... Totally heart breaking. Without a doubt I will grow it out again and donate again. The feeling of bravery, selflessness, and having the ability to bless a complete stranger with your locks of LOVE & kindness was such a indescribable feeling.

Measuring up

At this point, I feel like breaking a measuring stick, just because it does it's job, measure. Being held at such a high standard, is making failing, or falling short so dang easy..

Modern day mommy life seems to mean spotless house, successful in school and/or careers, having dinner cooked on time daily, being fit, perky and firm, crafty, and stylish. Meaning, being a step ahead of own self, and absolutely never failing; not to meantion never falling short. I beat myself to a pulp because I strive to achieve this daily, and it has done nothing but make stress levels higher, runing myself into the ground, leaving me tap dancing on the line of, "failure".

Yesterdays cry fest, because of scheduling not going.. my way.. to todays cry fest because Julian's schooling not going my way. Kickball sign ups not in MY favor, not to meantion all the other tedious things that I try to micromangage to keep myself " successful". You know, dishes cleaned, put away, fridge bleached clean, floors spotless, clothes laundryed, & put away nicely....etc.etc.etc.etc.
^^ sounds like a spoiled brat right? My my My my, I i I ii.. not really. I am absolutely selfless, however, I am OCD & a smiggen of a control/planning freak. Despite all my plans/ self made school schedule, planning for Julian and his involvment, and my daily task reminders... I fall short... over and over. Finally, after crying until my eye makeup was down to my jaw bone, I've realized. You foolish girl, accept that You are NOT in control at all. You do not need to measure up. God is in full control, and HE has plans for you... his timing is the best timing. Your life is HIS will, and his will will be, at his own timing.

I want so badly to have my hosue look like it was freshly clipped out of a magazine, and for things to fall right into place.. but in all actualility I don't need to 'measure up'. I need to do what I do..
-mother
-housekeep
-be studious in my study
-love
-praise
-and enjoy life with my family.
As long as I be the best I can be, in the work I do.... then I am succeeding. And as far as timing is concerned, my life is at the Mercy of God himself, and his timing & plans for me. I know he has plans, and really awesome plans at that. I just need to let them play out the way they are meant to.... not the way i intend for them to.
“Whatever you do, work heartily. . . . You are serving the Lord Christ.”Colossians 3:23–24

"I know the plans I have in mind for you, declares the LORD; they are plans for peace, not disaster, to give you a future filled with hope." Jeremiah 29:11

With that said, I will not graduate before we move again.. infact I am not planning graduation, just one taking it one semester at a time.
Julian will not be attending church school again this year. I PLANNED to homeschool, then went back to thinking classes might be best.. now back to homeschooling(for now). What actually happends, planned or not.. is not my control.
(those were my biggest fall outs thus far this week)
The stress of being a modern day mommy( pinterest birthday parties, magazine cut out clean home, perfectly perfect hair,makeup,stylish outfit etc..) is no longer going to consume my life on a daily bases. I will work hard at what I do, and do it to the best of my ability, with out letting it consume my day,time and effort. Those are all things my kids deserve more than anyones impression of my home, or my image.
Striving to be the best me I can be & doing the best job I can perform with each days circumstances- will be considered success by me. And hopefully your visit will fall on a day that circumstances are at a minimal. ;) and chores were able to be tended to- but incase it's not one of those days.... At least I warned you! I am no longer striving to be a modern day mommy ... Just me. A mommy, striving to be the best I can be.

Ok. Rant over ...

Sleep Training...

Since last week I decided, NO MORE. I absolutely has not rushed Jai' into anything(unlike I did Julian) .. simply because he is my baby... and probably my last baby. With Julian I rushed solids, rushed sleeping alone, sleeping through the night, potty training, walking.. etc.etc.etc.  annnnnd i regretted it, so this go around I said I did not want to rush Jai into growing up.
He has done everything at his own pace, with little assistance from me...Until last week. Lately, Jai' has been going to bed at his usual time..... then waking around midnight and staying up, talking/whining until 4-5ish. After trying to console him over and over, I found myself sleeping on his floor next to his crib/praying/begging GOD/ and finally, found myself cranky,tried & frustrated.  I decided sleep trainging take 2 was about to find it's way to my house hold.

Tuesday-Friday... Jai still woke around the same times, each and every night. I cut his naps down to two naps per day(morning 1.5 hour and evening 1 hour). I tried my best to keep him up as long as possible and also pushed back his bedtime from 630-7... to 8pm. It seemed to be working, slightly, but was an adjustment. He would not get fed in the middle the night anymore( weaned him down to nothing/water throughout the week) and would try to console him when he first started talking, then if that wasn't cutting it for him, i'd just shut the door and would go to sleep..ignoring him best I could.

Being he still was waking, and I was simply TRYING to ignore him.. I figured this process was not moving along as quickly as I had hoped.. but consistency is key, so I was going to keep trying.

Saturday we had plans to see some friends that live out of town that were in the area. They came over to visit. We had a nice visit, and Jai' of course missed nap due to company( which i was totally okay with). Sunday we went to church, followed by a picnic at the park... then back to church for group. Jai got half a nap in the AM, in order to make church on time. and almost a full nap once we finally got home around 3pm & went to bed around 8 pm last night. To my surprise, Jai went his butt to sleep and I stayed awake waiting for Josh to return from bringing a recruit to new orleans... and to watch Army wives & Client List. We went to bed around 11, and i thought sure Jai would be up within a hour. Nope. 4:48 am, He finally woke! HOLY smokes.. that is the LONGEST he has EVER slept! and to me that is SLEEPING thought the night.. holy smokes- Sweet Success! Thank you Jesus!!!

This was the first time in about 3 years that I slept all night! And it is amazing what one can accomplish when fully rested! This morning I have already worked in my garden, mopped floors, steamed floors, cooked tonight and tomorrows dinner, bathe' Jai* he helped in garden too* made lunch, cleaned from lunch, put Jai to nap & cleaned front & back porch! yup, and its only 1:44! :)
I realize with Julian, when he first started sleeping through the night( 11 months old) it was hit and miss for the first month(ish time frame).. and then it became more of a nightly occurrence. I am praying, and crossing my fingers that Jai just goes right into sleeping every night... but being today, his third tooth is erupting, I'm afraid it will be the exact opposite. Insane, a week ago our Peurto rican neighbor saw us on the porch and came to say Hello. She saw Jai smile, and noticed his two front, bottom teeth, and said.. Oh look, the other two will be up soon. I replied ," where??" she pointed,... but honestly, there was nothing to see. Not even swelling. She went on saying," I give it two weeks and it will be up." i really thought she was seeing a glare or something.. because there was NO EVIDENCE of anything. Annnddd.. what do ya know? she was right! I can hardly believe it! I dont know what exactly she saw that I didnt, but she def. knew!  He has been a crying miss all day, wit a small temp. Poor baby is miserable.. hopefully, it comes out quicker than the first two that took their sweet ol' time

The boys and I have also been taking our evening strolls to pick black berries! Julian thinks highly of these wild grown berries but not so highly of the picky bushes- so mommy is left doing the dirty work.

Pinterest pops!

Both were sugar free & the pudding pops had only 12 carbs! Jai had his very own type of pudding pop! Yummy

Picture catchup from last week...

 

Yes. Despite Julian's age and maturity over Jai's, he still instigates, and par takes in emptying wipe boxes with his little brother. BUSTED, Twice in one day. Come'on.. Really boys?

                                       
Does anyone think it's possible for my kids to be any cuties? I mean, seriously.. how cute are they?

 Here's Jai on one of his rash healing, diaper less day.... Do you see a stream on my threshold? hmm..

 

 

G rated stripping

Well late last week, Jai had his second diaper rash since birth, his first being only a month ago. I had detected then, that my cloth diapers weren't operating as they should, and were starting to pollute the air surrounding the diaper pail & the bathroom. I began to have a sneaky suspicion that this diaper rash was due to some type of build up in his diapers, that was causing all these signs of problem.
After much research, I narrowed my build up to be mineral build up from our hard water. I decided I was not going to do the typical 'strip' on my diapers, because thats what I tried after the first diaper rash, and clearly that did not take care of the problem, considering it reoccurred. Sooooo... I did things my way, of course a much more intense, OCD induced way. But first i did an experiment...


I then filled the boys bath tub with the hottest water possible, and added 2 table spoons of blue dawn. I threw my diapers in and let them soak for 60 minutes. When I when back i added MORE hot hot hot water, brought in a empty laundry basket, and got tub side, and began scrubbing. I pulled all four layers apart by hand, and scrubbed them. After the separating and scrubbing, I took the shower head down, and drained the tub. Each insert then was rinsed, rinsed, rinsed and rinsed some more, then set in the laundry basket. (I did batches of 10) After there were 10 inserts rinsed clean of blue dawn, i brought inserts to the kitchen where i had two pots boiling. I then added inserts in to boil for 15 minutes. after boiling they were put on a rinse cycle in the wash, followed by a clean w/ detergent and 3 more rinses. This went on until every insert was clean... ( process was repeated about 5 times since i have about 50 inserts)

AFTER i planned to put them in the dryer. USUALLY, they are hung dry, but after all that hard work i was tired, AND besides i wanted them to be as soft as possible so dried inside was my choice. BUT i soon found out.. our heating element in our dryer had went out. GR. just my luck. ON to the clothes line.... where they dried. They now are more absorbent than ever, so clean, soft, and dont smell at all..even when spoiled.  Can I get an AMEN?

Jai's bottom is now all better. We went a few days diaper less,(except for bedtime..then we worse throwaways) followed by a weekend of throwaways, and now back to using our beloved cloth. Oh Happy Day.

^this is the experiment. Look at how my diapers were repelling! This was leaving moisture on my baby's bottom, causing irritation. Not to meantion the cause of the repelling, was build up which leads to ammonia- which causes burns! Ouch!

The soak

The boil

Ju's green thumb

Only one cucumber plant so far! Suppose the rest are late bloomers

Intervention..

I am coming to a conclusion, and a solution all at once. I have a OCD,paper hoarding problem... and I am in desperate need of an intervention.

IT ALL started in Highschool...
I use to keep boxes and boxes of notes...Notes taken during class to help study, and Notes taken to avoid the bordem of the crap I did not want to study or learn. It didn't matter.. it was a note and it needed to be boxed and kept, forever. OR so I thought....


FOLLOWED by Bootcamp....
Josh then left for bootcamp, and my note hoarding contintued, and was taken to a new extreme. I laminated and binded every single letter he wrote me... and once he got out, I lamindated the ones I had wrote him. ANdddd as if that wasn't good enough, they are now binded and in a binder by the dates.( kinda like a story..)

First comes love(alll of highschool), then marriage(afterbootcamp)... Then..
Then Julian was born,
and I began to keep every birthday,valentines day, Easter, anything card... now he draws and I want to keep everything he touches with ink,crayons, paint etc. Not only that, but I try to keep everything that seems like it may have some importance. It may be junk, but if it seems like it may be important at some point.. I keep it. Weeks, months, pass and Ithink I'm in the clear and those documents weren't as important as I thought.. so I toss them..( rarely..usually they just relocate) 8 out of 10 times i don't need them..and its a good thing i lost/relocated them.. or tossed them. but then theres always that small chance it turns out I did indeed need the dog on paperwork, and the irony is.. it is just days after being tossed that i NEED the son ofa gun..

Today is one of those days. Josh texts me saying he needs a document that I just saw a few days ago.( see my hoarding papers do sometimes turn up to be important, im not totally crazy.) I tear my entire house upside down, and inside out... couldn't find what he needed to save my life..and the shit hits the fan. I couldn't take it anymore, I needed intervention. 3 drawers of JUNK/PAPERS. a TRUNK under my bed full of cards, and CRAP, an unorganized accordian of drawings/more PAPERS and documents, not to mention my kitchen actual JUNK drawer, and a shelf in my laundry room with 3 folders of randomness. I know.. sounds terrible. I am such a clean organize freak..one would never guess, but here it is people.. the skeleton from my closet.  BLAH. I threw away soooo much stuff.. weeded through it all. 3 cups of coffee, even had to take a anti anxiety pill...and  2 hours later I'm finished.(& still didn't find what I needed.) I was having massive anxiety from the mess i was creating while searching, and the fact that i was throwing crap away.. why? not because i care about any of it, but because i don't want later for me to need it, and get myself in trouble with my husband for throwing something" important" away(i get no credit for hoarding it for months and months..LOL. bc when its needed im suppose to be able to produce it, ha ha ha)

Anywho. I am done searching,organizing and cleaning. I have had an intervention and pray to god that my old habits don't come back to haunt me. Im feeling wayyyyyy better and no longer to anxious..thank you god for medication..haha. and the boys and I had a lovely day outside.....


In case any of you care about my organized junk drawer.. lol.. && of course here are some pictures of my cute kids, that make reading this blog(and all my ranting) worth it...

Julian has proven to have himself quite the green thumb! He has planted his garden a week ago, and is very proud to announce to everyone, that HE indeed is growing a cucumber plant! :)

Yes, Time to time im lazy, and Jai does wear throw aways.. lol.. but look past that,
                                                my boys playing with leaves and bugs. lol

Jai making music with pots and a spoon while I cleaned up a little and prepped dinner.

 All while Ju practiced playing Frisbee. Daddy came home and played too!

 thats all. :)

Locks Of Love

I'm blogging again, because something has been on my mind and heart for quite a number of days.. and I am feeling brave, so it seems like a good time to commit.

I have been inspired...and want to walk in the foot steps of a new,amazing friend of ours. I want to donate my hair to Locks of Love.

 

Even as I type, now even saying it aloud, I sound crazy. Everyone knows I have long hair.. period. Yes, I have cut my hair short a hand full of times in my life..

once when I was about 10 weeks pregnant with Julian ( think my nerves got the best of me and I needed to feel in control of something..haha I'm insane.)

Another time was months after I had Julian, I think he was over a year, or maybe right under a year? I cut it in an inverted bob....really short. I maintained that hair cut for a while..

Needless to say Both times I cut my hair I was over weight... first time not as much as the second, obviously.. but over weight none the less. I blame that on the reason i disliked my hair, it made my face look fat?! Or so I convinced myself, now looking back I'm sure my face looked fat, because I was fat.. simply put. I hated myself afterwards. I regretted cutting my hair.. and wanted it back long almost instantly. Swore up and down I would never cut it again. Made Josh promise to threaten to divorce me if I tried to cut it again.

 

BUT either way.. overweight or not. Fat face .. or not.. This is a act of kindness. Expressing compassion, Love and selflessness. I am committing to cutting at least 10 inches off my hair after the wedding I am standing in next month. Josh isn't fully on board and supportive yet, He loves my long hair more then I. But I am sure he will come around, and I am sure the cut will grow on him,(&hopefully he doesn't divorce me haha) I am very nervous about doing this... and each time I think of it( at least 10 times daily) I remind myself that there is a sweet child in a hospital bed, fighting for his/her life with beaten confidence as he/she has lost their hair, or is in the process of losing/growing hair. I don't want to be that selfish, shallow girl, who cant give up a security blanket, TEMPORARILY. HAIR. it grows back, Jonnilin.  I have a yearn in my heart to help a child I don't know. I want to make a small difference in his/her life, and help them through a medical struggle, life battle, time of need.

 

Social media...Angie Smith.. Must read!

I am not going to jump on here and be a big hypocrite...because, truth be known... a few weeks ago I was guiltyyyyyyyyyyyyy as charged! However, I found my desire growing very dull for social media for a number of reasons.
1) to much drama
2) I felt that I knew to much about others(& they knew to much about me as well)
3) Found myself getting/feeling really ugly towards people whom I would get irritated with, after they posted 18 million pictures of them self in the same outfit,same room, and in a slightly different pose. Yes, I am guilty here to, I realize this...& am thankful for the others doing it.. because it helped open my eyes about myself, and what I was doing as well.
4) I was spending way to much time on my cell phone. My battery life always died before noon.(pretty clear sign that there is a problem)
5) Distraction..from the most precious people, and time in my life..my children & their childhood. & I'm bout to be starting back for the summer semester.

Its been since the 24th that I've been gone from Facebook & couldn't be happier. Absolutely do not miss it one BIT!  I have still continued on instagram, but slowly but surely considering deleting that to. It not nearly as distracting, but just as addicting. Thankfully.. the people i follow don't update regularly like ones would on facebook... so i cant check it nearly as often.

Have I said how much I Adore Angie Smith? I think if I could be like any woman on earth...I choose her!
Wonderful, Strong, Beautiful, Spiritual, Loving, Caring, Brilliant woman..wife...mother..& servant of God. Since I'm blogging again I've been working on catching up on her blog. Finally.. I'm caught up.. & her most recent post hit so close to home that i want to share it...
here it is.... Read it. Enjoy it. Follow HER.. she is amazing.

http://angiesmithonline.com/2013/03/youre-not-a-prop-subtext-series/

Garden growing

Yesterday fun... It was such a pretty day and we were up and at em early! Headed to our appointment for 9:00 and was finally out and completely done around 11:00. We came home and hadlunch...followed by the boys getting a much needed nap! Juju simply is not a morning person like his momma- & jai is a little roster and wakes @ the crack of dawn... However he'd missed his morning nap so I had two very unhappy boys on my hands. I was able to accomplish so much done while they slept, but it felt as if they slept forever(even though it was only 1.5 hour) I actually was starting to get lonely, when I finally heard Jai's big mouth yelling for attention.... Shortly followed by Julian's groaning as he stretched.

We then went out to enjoy the beautiful day...knowing the days to come wouldn't be oh so pretty. We finished momma's garden & even worked on Julian's garden that grandmas gave him in his Easter basket! He checked back on his garden numerous times waiting for it to "grow"... Haha so impatient. Almost as impatient as I am for my garden to produce veggies!!!

Meanwhile, little jai just hung out in his pack n play! He doesn't mind being caged, as long as he has snacks, a sippy cup and toys...oh and if your with in his eye sight range!

I'm so glad I've been keeping my camera handy- again yesterday I caught some precious moments of the boys loving on one another!

Hoppy Easter everybunny

I am still getting use to using my camera again, so bare with me.

 

Mother in Law came up Friday to spend the Easter weekend with us! And husband had planned for us to have a long over due night out, big thanks to MIL for keeping the boys! Josh and I had dinner at a local place in downtown oceansprings.  It was such a nice get away and at first was kinda weird it just being us, with no kids to feed, correct, or take to the bathroom haha. We bar hopped a little in the area then headed to billiards to play some pool. Never had I played... but man it was fun & I got the hang of it!

 

Following the fun of friday, we had the danfords come over to celebrate Easter a day early. Guys played darts, drank, boiled crawfish..while use ladies enjoyed the weather, watching the kids open their Easter gifts, and dye eggs. Oh and talked plenty baby talk, of course.

 

 

 

 

Ju & Avery truly had a blast together. I absolutely adore that their 15 month age gap has closed up! They get along so well now, and are able to really play with out much worry. They played powerwheels, trains, bubbles, and played MUD. lol

 

Easter day, i woke with a horrible sore throat at 4am. i sucked it up to make it through church, but honestly as the hours past i felt worse and worse. By church(12 noon) i was getting chills, cold sweats, having body aches and my throat was still throbbing. Made it through an amazing service!!! and after we continued to the park/beach for our picnic. i had all intentions on taking family pictures there, but by then, i couldn't hardly bare. No pictures were taken :(..

We came home where I crashed and didnt get back out of bed until late that night. I am still feeling a little iffy today, but much better then i was yesterday.

 

**note** i am not sure how i managed to not get a picture of my MIL, but sincere apologies to her.. she was such a great help this weekend, and we had such a lovely visit. im awfully sorry not to have caught you on camera.