Roller Coaster of Emotions

Literally a ROLLER COASTER...
everything is fine- then the bleeding in the middle the night/ 1.9 cm tear. ..- then 3 days later it was GONE...- 12 days later its back and 4 x's bigger...- then there is today's news..

I had my appointment at 2:00 today.. going into the appointment my nerves were slightly settled- thanks to my sister in law( she found Jai's Heartbeat on the home doppler right before the appointment)! so at least i knew he was still ticking!
But i was still very concerned for the bleed... We heart Jai's heartbeat again in the doctors office, then went in for the ultrasound. Michelle(the tech) showed it to us first, bc it was my main concern at that point. It is still there, but "clotting off". Sorta like what happens to our bodies when we get a bruise or scab*after a cut*.  She showed us how the bleed is trying to heal  & said this was great improvement from last week. Of course after such good news, and being able to SMILE knowing this bed rest is paying off-- Michelle showes us JAI! Josh was all smiles the ENTIRE time we were in the ultrasound. Jai kept his thumb in his mouth the entire time we were watching him. i believe he was asleep, because his movements were very suttle, & he was not nearly as active as he usually is. After leaving i felt more confident then i have in a WHILE. I am a little nervous, that history can repeat itself & go from good to bed again...but we are all working as a team to do everything in our power to avoid that. Im still on bed rest & looking forward to being able to breathe easier now that I know Jai is okay & the bleed is starting to heal up. TALK ABOUT ROLLER COASTER! Praise god everyone, and keep the prayers coming! yall are amazing!
Here are two pictures of him sucking his thumb.

we love our little man so very much!! :]

My godson!!!

So long I've longed to be " nanny"! Thank u Murphy & Ashley for giving me such a handsome, perfect godson! I love you tatum noah & I can't wait to see u!!!!!!

i breath in & breath output one foot infront of the other

Since last night, when Josh left to return back to Mississippi... I've felt like i been on the verge of a melt down. Feeling almost like I'm holding my breath.. anxiety setting in early, for my appointment Wednesday. Usually its not until the day before that i become very anxious, but being set on bed rest, being away from Josh & Julian acting out, i think has contributed to it's early appearance. I feel completely blessed to be in the hands of Cherish. She has seen the good bad and ugly in pregnancy's since she's been a labor delivery nurse for years now. I know this is the right place for us, its just a lot to take in at once.. learning about the condition that threatens your baby's life, dealing with your toddlers condition that seems to be changing(his insulin), learning to stay still & let others do for me, along with living away from our home! Thank God that Cherish & her Family has been so accommodating, and patient with us!
Over the weekend, Josh came into town to spend time with Juju & myself! We all got together, including mother in law, and boiled crawfish..mmmm' yumm! Josh Leblanc is the MASTER at seasoning them..seriously! & Grandma(mother in law) was on top of her game & came around with Valentines Gifts for the Grandkids, Including the baby in my belly! :) Oh & we decided we were going to announce his name over the weekend..
Jai Elias <3
& here is Jai's ultrasound pictures from last week when we found out he is a boy!

Had a bad day again....

Today was my long awaited&dreaded appointment. My emotions are so torn- I'm excited then terrified for each appointment, it's soo flip flop that I almost feel frantic or bipolar. I looked forward to today becuz like any mother, I'm ready to know if I'm carrying a boy or girl, dreaded it becuz I can't seem to shake the fear of losing my baby! With so many complications since early on, it's been instilled in me.
Today, I went to my appointment alone...got called back & saw my doctor pretty promptly. He was pleased to hear I hadn't had more bleeding- & chalked my pains up to stretching. He asked the assistant to get the Doppler where neither she or himself could find a heart rate. And I was sent directly to ultrasound.... First she looked for a
•heartbeat-check.
•then position of placenta since I'm threat previa. - check
& there it was. The hemorrhage. She looked through my chart seeing before it was gone & now returned & 4x's it's original size, they spotted at the ER.
• (ordinal --1.9 cm)
•(new--5+ cm)
I lost it. The tech went get doc Christie out the room with another patient & he along with two other nurses joined the tech back in the ultrasound room. I had already gone to the bathroom & lost my composure by this point.
The news only got worse- yes my baby Is okay-- for now. But the weeks to come will be tough and can break us, but hopefully not. If this gets any bigger it can cause abruption to my placenta, & deprive our baby of oxygen& nutrients-- ending very badly. to brighten my teary, swollen eyes the tech asked if I wanted to know gender. & despite my disconnect at that point I told her yes! To then see our baby's genitals & know without doubt " It's a BOY!"
I am officially on full bed rest & pelvic rest. God knows how hard this is just laying around, but I'll do what ever to ensure a life for our little one. I am terrified of what is to come but trying to be as positive as possible. I can't help but love my baby endlessly & long to have it to love on each day of my life. I want him & ju to be best friends & pick on each other like Joshua & jacob! I want it all- the good,bad&ugly parts of being a mommy of two--let alone two Danford boys!
Please pray,pray some more,&extra for good luck. This Is awfully painful & dreadfully terrifying. My next appointment is next Thursday. I have no clue how I'll make it that long with all the worry & stress-- not to mention time on my hands.... but I suppose some kind of way I'll manage. Big thanks to cherish for taking me into her home & under her care for the next few days! Don't know what we are going to do long term but god only knows how thankful we are to have good family to help hold us over til we figure it out!

roller blades

Yesterday was our first try at finding a church in our area! It's been something that has been playing with my heart strings for weeks now, and i was so thrilled to finally get to it!(especially with the last week we'd had) And who would have guessed, this church is PERFECT for us.. we LOVE IT! It is a new and upcoming church, filled with youth! They set up in a skating rink for service, and since the skating rink has a preschool with in, that is where the Sunday school classes are! Julian thought this was 'real school', haha. He had a blast-- & even made me a streamer! We checked on him a few times within the service, but he was perfectly fine...which made us look way too over protective! :P

When we got home, Julian clearly was worn out- he ate his first round of lunch..asked for seconds..and before i could get it to him... ZONK!

While Juju named, Josh grilled an amazing lunch for us! Chicken, sausage,asparagus, onions & mushrooms served with pasta salad, green salad, garlic bread & pork'n beans! yumm!

After eating, Julian waking up & them playing in the back yard for a while.. it was time to head back to church! it was the church's first gathering at the skating rink they set up in! Perfect timing!:P

here's some pictures..

I think they both had a WHOLE lot of fun & even though i couldn't do much, i enjoyed watching them play together & meeting new people! :)

more later..

<3