i breath in & breath output one foot infront of the other

Since last night, when Josh left to return back to Mississippi... I've felt like i been on the verge of a melt down. Feeling almost like I'm holding my breath.. anxiety setting in early, for my appointment Wednesday. Usually its not until the day before that i become very anxious, but being set on bed rest, being away from Josh & Julian acting out, i think has contributed to it's early appearance. I feel completely blessed to be in the hands of Cherish. She has seen the good bad and ugly in pregnancy's since she's been a labor delivery nurse for years now. I know this is the right place for us, its just a lot to take in at once.. learning about the condition that threatens your baby's life, dealing with your toddlers condition that seems to be changing(his insulin), learning to stay still & let others do for me, along with living away from our home! Thank God that Cherish & her Family has been so accommodating, and patient with us!
Over the weekend, Josh came into town to spend time with Juju & myself! We all got together, including mother in law, and boiled crawfish..mmmm' yumm! Josh Leblanc is the MASTER at seasoning them..seriously! & Grandma(mother in law) was on top of her game & came around with Valentines Gifts for the Grandkids, Including the baby in my belly! :) Oh & we decided we were going to announce his name over the weekend..
Jai Elias <3
& here is Jai's ultrasound pictures from last week when we found out he is a boy!

Had a bad day again....

Today was my long awaited&dreaded appointment. My emotions are so torn- I'm excited then terrified for each appointment, it's soo flip flop that I almost feel frantic or bipolar. I looked forward to today becuz like any mother, I'm ready to know if I'm carrying a boy or girl, dreaded it becuz I can't seem to shake the fear of losing my baby! With so many complications since early on, it's been instilled in me.
Today, I went to my appointment alone...got called back & saw my doctor pretty promptly. He was pleased to hear I hadn't had more bleeding- & chalked my pains up to stretching. He asked the assistant to get the Doppler where neither she or himself could find a heart rate. And I was sent directly to ultrasound.... First she looked for a
•heartbeat-check.
•then position of placenta since I'm threat previa. - check
& there it was. The hemorrhage. She looked through my chart seeing before it was gone & now returned & 4x's it's original size, they spotted at the ER.
• (ordinal --1.9 cm)
•(new--5+ cm)
I lost it. The tech went get doc Christie out the room with another patient & he along with two other nurses joined the tech back in the ultrasound room. I had already gone to the bathroom & lost my composure by this point.
The news only got worse- yes my baby Is okay-- for now. But the weeks to come will be tough and can break us, but hopefully not. If this gets any bigger it can cause abruption to my placenta, & deprive our baby of oxygen& nutrients-- ending very badly. to brighten my teary, swollen eyes the tech asked if I wanted to know gender. & despite my disconnect at that point I told her yes! To then see our baby's genitals & know without doubt " It's a BOY!"
I am officially on full bed rest & pelvic rest. God knows how hard this is just laying around, but I'll do what ever to ensure a life for our little one. I am terrified of what is to come but trying to be as positive as possible. I can't help but love my baby endlessly & long to have it to love on each day of my life. I want him & ju to be best friends & pick on each other like Joshua & jacob! I want it all- the good,bad&ugly parts of being a mommy of two--let alone two Danford boys!
Please pray,pray some more,&extra for good luck. This Is awfully painful & dreadfully terrifying. My next appointment is next Thursday. I have no clue how I'll make it that long with all the worry & stress-- not to mention time on my hands.... but I suppose some kind of way I'll manage. Big thanks to cherish for taking me into her home & under her care for the next few days! Don't know what we are going to do long term but god only knows how thankful we are to have good family to help hold us over til we figure it out!

roller blades

Yesterday was our first try at finding a church in our area! It's been something that has been playing with my heart strings for weeks now, and i was so thrilled to finally get to it!(especially with the last week we'd had) And who would have guessed, this church is PERFECT for us.. we LOVE IT! It is a new and upcoming church, filled with youth! They set up in a skating rink for service, and since the skating rink has a preschool with in, that is where the Sunday school classes are! Julian thought this was 'real school', haha. He had a blast-- & even made me a streamer! We checked on him a few times within the service, but he was perfectly fine...which made us look way too over protective! :P

When we got home, Julian clearly was worn out- he ate his first round of lunch..asked for seconds..and before i could get it to him... ZONK!

While Juju named, Josh grilled an amazing lunch for us! Chicken, sausage,asparagus, onions & mushrooms served with pasta salad, green salad, garlic bread & pork'n beans! yumm!

After eating, Julian waking up & them playing in the back yard for a while.. it was time to head back to church! it was the church's first gathering at the skating rink they set up in! Perfect timing!:P

here's some pictures..

I think they both had a WHOLE lot of fun & even though i couldn't do much, i enjoyed watching them play together & meeting new people! :)

more later..

<3

Praising God

As most of you already know, this baby has been a miracle from the very beginning, and it continues to remind us of how big of a miracle he/she is!
My doctor's appointment was very scary on Friday, I was up 2 hours early, and already dressed. My anxiety was through the roof, and into a different atmosphere. After arriving to my appointment, of course the waiting room was more busy then i've ever witnessed.  A HOUR AFTER my appointment time, we finally got called to the back. The nurse asked what was going on, since she remembered seeing me just that Monday. I told her, and she went to get my records off the computer, from the ER. Of course her coming back in and giving me the low down, on risk, what to expect in worse case scenario.. i was a emotional wreck, and crying the nile river. First off, the ER doctor gave me in accurate information. I have/had? a subcronic hemorrhage measuring 1.9 cm. ( yes, that seems very small, but do remember...EVERYTHING is very small right now) Subcronic Hemorrhage is still a very serious condition, but not as sever as a abruption. However,from my understanding & research, Subcronic Hemorrhage can in some cases later become a abruption. After the nurse let me in on this news, I did not feel any better, being the risk factors are the exact same.  We had to wait back in the waiting room until the ultrasound room was open( anxiety going right back up) & to make matters worse Josh had to leave to go back to work, for his appointment at 1pm.( at this point its 12:30 and we've been at the doc. since 10:50ish).
Thank God my sister in law (Cherish&Avery) was already on her way up to spend the day with me and help out with Julian. She met me at the doctors and stayed with me for the rest of the appointment just as support in case the news was not in our favor. After another (lifetime) of waiting they finally called us to the Ultrasound room. I seriously thought my heart was going to leap right out of my chest. I felt so torn on to be excited(like most moms feel to see their baby) or to feel terrified( in case things had gone terribly wrong in the past few days). 
The tech was super nice, and very thoughtful. She did the scan firstly showing us that the baby had a beating heart! (161 bpm) she showed us around a little, then went to looking for this hemorrhage. After looking for a while, she turned on  the light, reread the ER report, and went back to scanning& looking. N-O-T-H-I-N-G! No sign, evidence, nothing. No Subchorionic hemorrhage, no abruption.. nothing but my healthy baby bouncing around in there, while looking like the precious little miracle that he/she is!!!!! :) The tech continued to scan me just for the fun of it, now that the tension has eased and i could enjoy it and be excited! She kept going in between the legs, so of course i had to ask.. what it' look like!? &&& she said, it looks like a BOY!! Yes, it is very early, & that little turtle can change into something else.. but i guess we may know in two weeks when im 15 weeks & go for the next appointment/scan! :) This news made my day, my year!!!!! And im so glad to have had such an amazing tech there to give me that news && to have the support of my sister in law in the exam room! :) im so very thankful!
&& we went back to the waiting room until i could get into a room to see my doctor AGAIN. He checked me, and basically told me.. what ever was there is ' gone'! but it does not mean im completely out of the woods yet. There are still plenty of risk, and im still going to be monitored very closely from here on out, still considered high risk for miscarriage, pre term labor, abruption, etc.
I am still on moderate bed rest & pelvic rest- but so what... i can deal with that! I've been HEALED. my BABY IS OKAY!!

See his/her little profile? cute little nose? and all five fingers! The tech would switch to show us 3D and it kept it's hands up by its face!

I am forever greatful for everyone's prayers! Please continue to pray that things stay going smooth for us!

Thats my update! :) a happy update! PRAISE GOD!

where are you tomorrow? oh yeah- only a day away?

I feel as though I can not wait for tomorrow to hear what the doctor is going to tell us. Not sure which emotion I want to feel, but I am praying for good news! I have been in the bed since 6 am yesterday, and have only been up to use the bathroom, or this morning to fix Julian's breakfast. I have no lifted a finger in the house, infact the most i have done was sit on the edge of the bath tub to shower. The bleeding has slacked off a great deal, and stays gone for the most part- as long as I'm not on my feet or moving around very much. Who knew you could get headaches from doing NOTHING? (I surely didnt.) My headache the past two days has been the only physical pain i've had, thankfully!

I am trying my best to keep positive and remember my God is capable of all things! I will be sure to update the blog after my appointment tomorrow to make sure all of you are kept updated. Please continue to pray for healing, and strength for my body and little baby.

On another note-

Julian is yet another inch closer to being a pump user! Children's has done their part, and now we are waiting for my insurance company to approve(which they will). Once that is done, we will pay our out of pocket expense, and order his pump! We even get to pick the color! :)  So we are down for the count.. maybe 2 weeks? eek. cant wait for my little man to get a break from all the shots!

Don't forget us in your prayers, Please!